Lock down 5.

Last night I was reading some blogs about personal experiences with mental disorders. It was just like a trip to the past. Some of the issues are relevant for me even today. Like the concentration part…I get lost during a day once in a while. I do not hear anything, or process anything. Just being blank. When I am at work I do my best to stay focused, but the thing is when I am doing a job for more than two hours there is an enormous pressure on my brain.

As for the meds..I am not on the lowest dosage possible, even with almost 15 years of remission. My brain definitely needs a 1 mg of haloperidol..all others can be changed but that drug has to stay.

As for the anger…I used to be angry all day long. Meds helped me with that. First Zyprasidine, and now Azolar..I get angry sometimes without any particular reason but I have it under control.

As for the Lock down…I am not yet feeling the consequences. I do not go to the cafes…theater, cinemas, church…My life is poor but still under control.

My friend Maggie from La Grippe Research is still looking for people with schizophrenia for research. There is a compensation for it, but it applies only for people who lives in the US.

If you are interested please fill out our preliminary questions with the link provided:  https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/GJJLCG6

If you have any questions, please contact Crystal at 224-292-9126 or email crystal@lagripperesearch.com  

Type soon.

Lock down 4

I managed to sleep in a row for 8 hours last night. It is a huge thing since I have not managed to do it since my vacation three months ago.

I am feeling rested and ready to work today…and the Spanish lessons this morning were going very well.

It is the fourth day of Lock down here in Croatia. Many things are different but people still do not concur with the measures that are in place. Yesterday an elderly lady wore the mask under her nose in the bus. I was really upset about it. The whole idea of Lock down is to protect our older citizens and it makes me sad when they do not look after themselves nor the others.

One of our mathematicians and entrepreneurs has predicted that the curve of sick and dead of Covid 19 will go down in the following days. In his opinion we have reached the peak of the second wave. I sincerely hope that he is right about it. The other thing is that our prime minister is positive. As for anyone else I wish him a good recovery.

My nephew has trouble coming back from Poland. The bus over Prague was cancelled and now he is returning over Berlin. Hopefully everything will be ok with his return.

Schizophrenia is again still this morning. The morning plan is to walk the dogs at least an hour before the work. I really need extra exercise.

Type soon.

Lock down 3

My life changed drastically with the lock down. There was no game night, nor the coffee with friends and the drama class was online. However I have been walking a lot during the weekend and Spanish lessons were going well.

People are social beings and without interaction with others life becomes dull and pointless. I sincerely hope that by Christmas the pandemic will be over, not just here in Croatia, but in the whole world.

I have been praying for that for almost now 9 months. I believe that people around the globe are praying for that as well, but somehow God is not listening.

Some of my friends are talking about the Great reset. I may not believe in that but I do know that our lives, freedoms will be changed forever.

Morning is peaceful. Only a few people were on the streets while I was walking my dogs. It was really cold but beautiful. The full moon lightened the sky and it was in moments quite romantic.

Schizophrenia is also quiet this morning. I am not stressed or anything like it. The cold weather has made me awake more than usual.

Type soon.

Lock down 2

It is an early Sunday morning. In an half an hour I am going to walk the dogs. Spanish lessons for today are already done. I need to buy some bread for the house as well.

Although there was the first day of Lock down in Croatia yesterday I was at the hairdresser, in the pharmacy, at the supermarket and the cleaner shop. I made more than 12000 steps yesterday and today I am planning to do even more. Thank God for the dogs.

The house is warm and quiet. Everybody is still asleep. I love these silent mornings. I am alone and do things that I love. My drama class will be over the Zoom later (in the evening). Some work has to be done to memorize my lines in the play completely.

During the nap yesterday, when I closed my eyes I saw a dove, and some strange face. I was not even at least upset about it. I know I should not see those things but my brain really does function differently than other people’s. I am used to visual hallucinations and as long as that happens when my eyes are closed I am not worried. For some people it is difficult to accept that I have some limits because they think that I do not have any problems because in appearance I do not differ from the others. The thing is I do have many psychological issues and I am trying my best sometimes to explain my actions and problems.

Anyway…the report for today is that schizophrenia is silent this Sunday morning. It is the lock down and I have to avoid strangers as much as possible.

Type soon.

Lock down day 1

I was so tired yesterday that I went to bed at 7 PM totally exhausted after the very busy week. Naturally I got up at 4 AM again. Although it was quite early I felt ok. I used the extra morning time for learning Spanish and I walked the dogs for more than an hour. Then I drank some coffee and did the weekly ironing.

There is no possibility to see friends live, but I am going to watch some workshops online (how to make a podcast) and clean the house thoroughly. The plan is also to go to the hair stylist. It may be the lock down but I want to be at my best because that is what I really need.

What I also need is getting some love which seems impossible now. I am not as sad about it as I would usually have been. With Covid 19 people are in so much trouble…financial, emotional and people are dying of that disease, my problems seems minor. I decided to avoid as much as possible the news about pandemic because I feel that the situation is bad, but the media covers it like it is the end of the world. It seems to me that forty years ago when I lived in Yugoslavia (socialistic at the time) the news was much more accurate and useful. What I see now is kind of propaganda..Maybe the people who report the news are not guilty about it…they do the news in a way that they can earn a salary… However I truly believe that each of us has responsibility especially in these very difficult times to be truthful.

Schizophrenia is still this morning.

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Panic

Tomorrow a lock down because of Covid 19 will begin here in Croatia. Almost everything will be forbidden and one should not go anywhere out except there is a strong need for it.

Many people experience a huge fear about the pandemic. My ex partner has already been in the personal lock down for almost three months. Media to put it mildly, does not help a lot. There are no news about people recovering. All over the news is the rise of people getting the virus, death toll and how dangerous the virus is. There is no doubt that the virus is here, that it is really vicious for some, but many people are asymptomatic, disease free or recovered without consequences. The voices on tv are dramatic. Sometimes it crosses my mind that the media behave like vouchers ready to eat bodies of the dead.

In the first wave I was really scared to the point that the fear affected my walk. The second wave although bigger and scarier barely shook me emotionally. I was in isolation in September and I truly believe that I got then the virus, because I was kissing and hugging my nephew who was infected. Nevertheless I am aware that the danger is here, but I also think that one should be as careful as it can be and also to live as normally  as possible.

Schizophrenia is still this morning.

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Catching sleep

For the last few days I was sleeping quite a lot. More than 11 hours per day. I really needed that. The problem is that although I am sleeping more than enough I am still fully awake around four in the morning.

But I am not complaining. This year was very difficult for me. Not just for me… I believe that it was difficult for almost everyone. Somehow I managed to be psychosis free. On the other hand I was in a hospital earlier in the year for losing balance, I fell and crushed my face, was abandoned by the partner who I still deeply love.

I have a feeling that I am walking on the edge of a very high cliff. One wrong step and everything will fall apart including me.

Covid 19 is raging in Croatia. Many have died over the last month. My ex partner’s decision to isolate himself and his mother was perhaps the right one but me personally…I really need freedom to walk around, to be with my friends, to go to the theater. Social life became very important to me because somehow it is my raison d’etre.

As older I realize that there are different ways of living and one should respect other people’s choices even when one disagrees.

Again schizophrenia is quiet this morning.

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Glass door

Yesterday arrived the  glass door for the kitchen. One more thing is to do there and that is to put glass on the walls and it will be finally finished. Champagne is ready for celebration.

I went over all my boundaries but I am truly happy that the renovation is nearly over.

This morning I slept an hour longer and I am feeling very good about that. That means that the insomnia is under control.

My fellow actor has called and we will have rehearsals over the Zoom every day to prepare the play asap. I am looking forward to that because I am eager to perform.

Yesterday my mum and I decided to pay for the driving school for my younger nephew. That is quite expensive here in Croatia but I have found a very good offer for it. As the older one is studying currently in Poland and all the extra cash goes to him, the younger one has felt neglected. I love them both dearly but the time is to help the younger one as well.

I have to wait another forty five minutes for the ride to work….

Schizophrenia is far away at the moment.

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Silent morning

I have slept for more than twelve hours out of the last twenty four. I was supposed to go to a workshop of doing comics but this time that was impossible for me. I really needed that extra sleep. I finally woke up at four in the morning and it was so silent because naturally everybody sleeps at such an early hour.

I have already had a cup of coffee and learned some Spanish. The plan is to walk the dogs in quarter of an hour. There are many plans for today and one of them is to learn my role by heart for the acting classes next Sunday, then to work and finally to sleep again as much as possible.

I have learned over the years that sleeping enough is very important in preventing schizophrenia and other mental disorders (except maybe for depression where people tend to sleep all day long).

I missed many calls yesterday and I have to return them today. As for the call list it seems that the glass door for my kitchen will be done these days and maybe possibly today or at latest tomorrow. It seems that I used the schizophrenic symptoms that my psychiatrist thought I had in summer for a good purpose.

My mind is calm and clear. No sign of schizophrenia at the moment.

Type soon.