Outside it has been raining all day. I went for a walk with dogs, slept and did some chorus but all evening I was playing. I have won two out of three games and after blogging I am going to repeat a poem that I am going to present on Tuesday.
I was truly happy with the last performance because I managed to do my best. There were a small mistake with the last part but the director assured me that it was unnoticeable. We still have to perform on the March 26th a day before the World theater day. We have a show at 11 and the other one at 19.
I have to admit that performing is quite exciting. I can feel rush of adrenaline, and after the most important scene where I play angry lady after it feels like I am finishing a marathon. It is very satisfying to be a part of a group of people who are able to entertain people. When I was in my twenties not in my wildest dreams I was a performer. My sence of humour in these days were awkward. These days are not a problem to make a complete fool of myself to earn a laugh from others.
It seems that years of psychotherapy resulted in me being completely different person from what I started in life with. I used to be a fierce business women with plans and goals, ambitious and many times without scruples. Now my everyday job is just a necessity to live a life in which I am an it is even funny to say trying to be an artist.
Still I am not completely adjusted. I focus sometimes on unimportant things and although I make sincere I make sometime rude comments. Sometimes I worry too much how I or other appear on the outside. However I am learning day after days to get rid of such thinking.
Typping soon. Too much philosophy for tonight.
The play went well. I was able to concentrate and I really gave my maximum. Some old friends and colleagues went to see me. We have two more performance on the March 26. Today is the day for poems. The poems are not my thing but somehow I am glad to participate.
Today is also audition. I truly hope that it will go well. Yesterday I tried to quit my job because there are too many new moments with this job. I have stayed for now.
Morning is slow. A mug of coffee is near me.
There are so many questions this days.
Today I perform in a play in four hours. I am a bit nervous and ready to be on stage in 5 minutes. The day is slow. With all that excitement I slept extra hour and a half before lunch. Last time I prayed to be good. This time I pray to be as good as last time.
Morning was tense. I had to feed dogs, cats and chicks. I wanted to go to the church to get my weekly spiritual blessing. In church I was without voice and not be able to sing even for a short verses.
Yesterday was a game night. I was absolute winner because I won in chess, Caverna and Poker game. There was lots of laughs and teasing. My boyfriend was the loser of the night and he mentioned that such evening deserves our break up. It was a joke and I laughed a lot.
Type soon but only if I survive this evening.
These days I was attending Method acting class and it was very helpful. I have learned how to relax, how to clear my mind to be prepared for the performance. In a week we will do our play again and I am looking forward to it. I truly hope that I will perform at least as good as last time.
The workshop was very demanding and I have realized that I am quite able to follow the instructions. I have not mentioned the illness. I thought that schizophrenia is irrelevant. I do not have to announce to everyone that I have some issue.
The thing is that I was in hospital 12 years ago, and little by little my emotions and my mind function quite ordinary. Ordinary is excellent for me and I hope that I will have the ordinary mind in the future as well.-
I could have gone today to Method acting, to Physical Theater but I decide to rest and to be for few hours quiet with my thoughts..
Outside is very cold today. I went to the church early in the morning. I could not concentrate. My thoughts were wondering during whole service. I have a lot of plans today. I am going to see The Stribor’s forest premiere of the children’s acting group. After that I will go to cinema. Looking forward to do all that.
I have some travelling plans. I am going to visit Sarajevo in Bosnia and Herzegovina. I was never there. Few of us e from acting group are going. I am quite excited about that trip.
I still have some hesitations to go to Camino. That is my wish for almost two years. I have to do everything for this to come true.
I have decided not to mention my illness any more because after 12 years of remission there is actually nothing to tell.
I am like any other person. I have my problems but this has nothing to do with the way I enjoy in life. I have realized that I can do almost everything. For many years I used schizophrenia as an excuse not to do certain things. I was wrong. I should have lived the way I see is right for me.
I have always had big support from my family. I relied on them for many years but now is the time to be on my own and to pursue my own dreams.
On of them is to walk the Camino. I want to grow spiritually. I want to help people. I want to enrich my life. I want to write a novel. I want to perform. There are really many wishes. I will see that they come true.
I have got Valentine for 9 years. It has been happy nine years. Last psychotic episode was 12 years ago and now I feel that I will be ok for the rest of my life.
I have my day off today and a minute ago I came from a long walk. I like walking. Many times I count steps while I am walking. It calms me down.
Today I have only few thing to do. Last week I was seriously thinking to quit my job. I will stay on it for a while if that would be possible. I ‘ll see about that.