I have had lot of scary moments last couple of weeks. Situation with my eyes are pretty serious. Lot of thought came to my mind. I was scared that I have HIV, that I have hepatitis C, that I have cancer.
Yesterday I was filing my medicine history and I realized that I really overreacted. That I am really paranoid about my health. I have to pay attention to my thoughts that flood my mind..
Somehow praying helped to calm my mind. I need to be patient and I need to work again. Even with sorer eye. When I work there is no place for unhappy thoughts.
Cheers to happy thoughts.
After month and a half of sour eye it is finally said that this is herpes and only one that can cure me is myself. The only problem is that I have negative thoughts . Actually I am scared. In my life I was a winner in many difficult situations but here I have some doubts. One moment I thought that everything was in my head so I went to the psychiatrist. Haldol is up again on two milligrams.
I really listen to the doctors order. I sleep a lot, taking many vitamins and some stuff for the immunity. It is also said that boosting immunity one can with friends gathering. We played games all weekend. It really did me well.
At the moment I am cooking and that I will learn role for play we will perform in December.
My eye is still sick. I had to quit my job to get better. With jobs there will be no problem. I will find something else but I am truly worried about the eye. I did everything I could. I was at specialist office nine time in last three weeks. It is better now by my eyesight has worsened. The last result is that the eye us sterile and my oftamoghist said it must be herpes. The recommendation was a lots of sleep and proper nutrition.
The other day when I was walking I have met my friend. We played games a lot earlier in the summer and I was quite surprised when she told me that I am quite aggressive during games. I know that I am competitive but I never saw myself as aggressive type during games. Obviously I was wrong. As I never shows my aggression maybe board games are place where I lose my temper. I even do not thing this is a bad stuff. Only that worried me that she said that she was afraid of me. Sometimes my boyfriend called me about that I always rebellious type.
As I can not do anything I am trying to solve Rubik’s cube. Yesterday I managed to assemble two sides. As my computer time has passed I am going to solve this cube.
For two weeks my eye hurts. I have visited the physician office 5 times and now it seems the eye will be ok. I could not write, and sometimes because of pain I could not sleep. As my grandmother used to say Everything will pass after the marriage. The problem is I was never married at all.
I still have a job which is ok. Now I have to save for the eyes operation not to have this trouble ever again. I hope that my eye will recover soon.
The good thing about the pain in theeye is that I do not perceive myself as mentally ill person any more. I am too preoccupied. The school year has been started and I will again teach math. The older nephew is at the faculty so I have to study French with him.
The acting lessons has been started. I really look forward to this autumn.
It is Saturday afternoon. I have worked today and then I was walking my dog and cleaning the bathroom. Today I have heard some bad news. My stepfather can not hear suddenly and he is returning to Zaprešić to visit his physician. I hope that it will really turn well for him.
Week has gone quickly. My bike is serving me well. It is quite handy. The only problem is that it is heavy and as I am clumsy I am full of bruises. On the train sometimes there is no one to sell me ticket so some days I have a free rides. Work is ok. Now that I am more in the warehouse I really have become familiar with the goods that we are selling. I have earned extra pizza today and it was delicious. Later in the afternoon I have had some grapes and now it is time for coffee.
I drink less and less coffee not because I want to. The truth is that I have no time for it. I do not miss it at all.
My life is quite simple now. Work, walking the dog, playing games, going to cinema, cleaning the house and making friends during long walks with the dog. Summer will be soon over I am looking forward to art classes and some acting again.
Sometimes I really feel lonely, and sometimes I feel like a underachiever. I managed to quit Valium only every second day. Whenever I work in the morning the night before I can not sleep and then I take valium. From 4 pills every evening now I take two and there is some difference. My brain is quicker and I get upset more easily. Work is difficult these day. To learn the goods I worked the last week for three days in warehouse. I lifted up to 20 kg. My body could do that. The thing is that I have very strong body. I do have sometimes problems with legs but with loss of weight the pain went away.
There are some plans for the winter. I will go again to the acting group, and art group as well. Next year if everything is as it should be I will walk Camino in July or maybe April. For years I have this wish to walk the French route. I need to find time and money to do it. I strongly believe that I will do it.
I have started at 7 am, and now with the Worlds championship in athletics is the end of my day. Psychiatrist said that Valium is now optional for me. She gave the opinion that I am able to drive motor vehicle. Now I have to go to my family physician to give me the note with all of mine diagnosis, and then to specialist who will consult other specialists to approve me the driving. I know that driving is a privilege and I would like to have this permission in the future as well. I cooked my lunch by 9, took my brother’s car and went to hospital, ate lunch, took bike and went to train. Than I cycled to work, worked all day, came home, showered, ate watermelon and peach and took my dog for a long walk during which I bought bread and finished with my dinner minutes ago. I made my shopping list and I am ready for bed.
Tomorrow I will not have such busy schedule, but the point is to sleep as much as possible to get some rest.
Type soon. maybe even tomorrow.