Chrismas is around the corner. One more year is coming to an end. It was a good year. Next year in April will be my twelfth year without turmoil.
Am I happy? I am always a bit unhappy about everything. The thing is I should not be. My eye is ok now. The premier of play is in ten days. I am quite excited about that.
My life is now work, teaching, acting and going to cinema. Walking my dogs is also an everyday routine. Just simple life with I might say too many things going on.
Today is very warm. I don’t like high temperature in December because I feel uneasy and restless.
Christmas is very near. Today I woke at 5.40 AM and went to mass. My intention is to welcome Christmas spiritually ready. With drugs and praying my eye is almost normal now. But still, it was a very difficult time for me.
Yesterday I went to a ethno concert. I really enjoyed. The singer had a wonderful voice and the songs were from my youth. I remembered all the parties I had attended in my life.
Once upon a time I was a party girl. I do not miss parties any more. I still go out quite a lot. I am so glad that I can go to the cinema again and enjoy myself.
My stepfather sometimes plugs some devices into home electricity system. He was told not to do it for many times but unfortunately he doesn’t listen. Anyway on Saturday there was such episode. There was major electrical outbursts because of that and there was big damages on electrical devices in house. Tv was broken, Internet was broken, a laptop was broken, some chargers. I can not believe that he si so unreasonable.
One would expect that I with my diagnosis of schizophrenia would do such stuff, but it seems to me stupidity does not have diagnosis.
Our premiere is in less than a months. My feelings are mixed. I am eager to perform, but I am also afraid that I’ll freeze. Therefore I am going to repeat my lines at least for an hour.
All my life there is a need for me to learn. i repeat math, statistic, french, english german. I seems to me that almost every day I am dedicated to books, Wikipedia, YouTube and other assets that help me to teach my pupils and to learn..
May brain is never still. I manage to quiet it down in the evening but this is sometimes very difficult. My thoughts wander. As I pray a lot thess days somehow I succeed to concentrate and to keep my thoughts focused while I am praying
Focus is important and I needed years to be able to concentrate while taking pills. It is wasn’t easy. I didn’t write my master thesis because I wasn’t able to choose subject to write about, not to mention to write at least 100 pages of text.
Blogging helped me to be able to express myself in writing. Thanks Goodness to new technologies that make our world a place for enhancing our learning ability.
There are many things one should have. One of them is decent computer. Although I have been using computer rarely for the last three months because of the eye problem it is obvious to me that today if you are not wired you practically do not exist.
One of the thing with computer is that I have to buy new one and my idea is to buy something decent and that would last at least for some time. Problem with nowadays things is that do not last.
As you now the summer of previous years I worked really hard to redo my bathroom. After 6 months of having it I see that the quality of bought elements is not as nearly as it should even though I did not by cheap stuff. I feel cheated and disappointed.
I have realized that in this world only few things lasts and material items of moderate price is not one of them.
Thanks God that I am more concerned with spiritual life this days. I have learned over time that there will be always a way to earn money but to earn ones love ant trust is much harder. The things become nearly impossible when one expect to get something in return. But about that some other time.
Sometimes I believe that walking defines me. I walk everywhere at least 10000 steps per day. The cell phone counts it every day. Many times is much more, and sometimes even two and a half times more. The plan is to walk Camino next year. My boyfriend reckon that I should go and climb the Zagreb’s mountain every day but fun stuff is that I always have something better to do.
Today it’s raining. All day is grey and dark. My dogs are sad. I am sad. I was early in the morning to the hairdresser’s to renew colour of my hair. The hair look nice but the only place where I am going to show my new look is church. Which is ok. intensive praying for the las month and a half really helped my left eye. It seems to me that the eye is not only better but I see even better than bere with it. I go to the eye doctor in ten day and I will se whether this is true.
While I am walking my mother is in lots of pain. I offered different solutions but she is so stubborn and won’t listen. This excruciating pain has changed her personality and she became a quite an angry person.
I woke up really early this morning. Around four o’clock in the morning. This time I ignored my idea that the day is already here and I must do something and I went back to bed. I have slept for two more hours, drank my coffee and that I have prayed. My mother woke around seven and a quarter and has asked to go to butcher’s shop to buy something. I managed to go to mass after that asking my self why I am going with so free time in the afternoon. The mas was late and people waited in silence. Finally the pregnant young women went out from priests space with deeply troubled face. My thought at the moment was that she has much more problems than I have.
I came home happy and tired. Today is my day off work (Yes I work again two times per week) and the plan was to walk with dogs, teach nephew math and memorize text for the play. I managed to do all that and sleep for more than an hour. I have also cleaned the house.
These are today’s happenings. Nothing to exciting. Ordinary morning of ordinary person. With so many ups and down in twenty one year of being mentally ill I managed to become quite ordinary. I am very happy with that fact.